It's been a while since I posted anything, but I figured I'd finish out intern year with a little something.........forgive me if I ramble. I may have had a glass of wine. Or two.

The amount of change that has occurred in my life over the past year has been rather striking. This time last year I was a newly minted doctor moving into a rented house with the man that everyone in my life presumed I would marry (including that particular man and myself). Residency has a funny way of clarifying your thought processes though, stripping away any unnecessary or difficult attachments. To survive emotionally you essentially develop a zero tolerance policy for bullshit in your personal life, since you're forced to deal with a fair amount at work 80 hours a week. As this happened in the first 6 months or so I pulled away from that relationship and eventually ended it, feeling very badly about doing so but so sure of my decision. For those of you who know him, he's still wonderful and I truly mourned the loss.

For the first time in my life I began to understand what it might be like to get divorced, splitting up furniture and pets, sharing rent on a house that I no longer lived in. I bought a house on my own, moved in on a day that I was post call, and sat in my new empty living room with my dog. I remember crying, having been awake for 40 hours, wondering how the hell I was going to handle it all on my own. And yet........a funny thing happened. I woke up every day, got dressed, and went to work. I saw horrible things and amazing things. There were days that I retreated alone, from frustration at the sometimes crazy nights, from sadness when a favorite patient died unexpectedly. There were good days too, when I did a procedure well, when I connected with a patient or their family and was able to help in some small way. If I'm being honest, the good days far outnumbered the bad. After a while, I forgot that I had once been somebody's almost wife and just became.......me.

Through it all I was learning and gaining confidence, not just as a physician, but as a person. Yes, I can work 90 hours a week in the MICU and still pay my bills on time and keep up with my friends and family. Yes, I can pronounce a patient that I cared about and go back to rounds and present without flinching. I can handle a code (even if my heart is racing the entire time and I feel like I may or may not pass out). I've been buoyed by amazing friendships, forged in the thick of internship, with wonderful women and a few guys who I connected with during the long hours of call. If there's one thing I've learned this year, it's to never underestimate the power of camaraderie. I certainly don't think being a resident is as stressful as being a soldier, but I think the bond that develops between us must be nearly as strong. My friends outside of residency have been amazing as well, I love you guys.

Another thing happened during the course of this year. For the first time in life I'm totally, unconditionally, comfortable with being alone. At the same time, I'm more optimistic about relationships than I ever have been. I'm assuming that this comes from having, finally, a well cemented sense of self. It's amazing how much easier (and more enjoyable) it is to love men when you don't necessarily need anything from them (but still want it).

It's been a good year. Three (maybe four counting fellowship) more to go.

Cheers,
Lauren