I went into the start of residency thinking the first few days would be the hardest, the most fearful. The first week was indeed overwhelming, a barrage of new protocols to follow, finding my way around one of the largest hospitals in the country, and learning a new computer system. All while trying to remember how to practice clinical medicine after a few cushy months of vacation. Luckily, the catecholamines carried me through and I felt as if residency was something that I could handle.

I wasn't prepared for the feelings that began to surface after the first two weeks, when the newness wore off and reality officially set in. When I realized that I had signed the next four years of my life away, sacrificing my freedom to travel, to attend weddings and graduations, to take my dogs to the dog park, to sleep. Being a medical student was easy, there was very little responsibility and ample time to read about interesting disorders. Fast forward a few months, as an intern, I am rushed, constantly making decisions that I have little confidence in and barely able to formulate a cohesive presentation in time for morning rounds because I am so busy answering the nurses questions on cross cover patients. I have never been prone to depression, but the past few days I think I'm beginning to understand what depression might feel like. Residency is like a cold, wet blanket. Uncomfortable, energy sapping, and obscuring my view of the outside world.

The irony, of course, is that I chose this! I happily applied to a specialty that is wrought with frustrations when I could have chosen a much easier path. I wanted this, over a career in radiology or derm, over a career in geology that would have been much easier, over a more traditional path....marriage at 25,kids shortly thereafter. I sped past a janitor in the hallway last night and was actually envious of him for a second, he at least, could afford to walk slowly down the hallway. He could daydream if he wanted.

I think it will get better. My senior residents say it does, so it must. I don't expect the frustrations to melt away, but I hope the despair fades sooner rather than later. I went into medicine partially to push myself, to add toughness and fortitude to my self definition. Let's just hope that I'm capable of absorbing what residency has to offer me.